


how many rains have there been (that blurs the roads ahead)

by solaert



Category: QCYN2, THE9, Youth With You, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: F/F, no explanation for this i am just sad all the time, the reup bc i want some goodness to come out of this angst, yuyan learns how to cope with grief
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solaert/pseuds/solaert
Summary: yuyan makes keni a promise that she doesn't know that she can keep.
Relationships: Yu Yan/Zeng Keni
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	how many rains have there been (that blurs the roads ahead)

on the third day of her hospitalization, keni asks yuyan to paint her a picture.

"i've forgotten what the outside world looks like," keni jokes. (she's lying. the room had windows.)

"i'll only do it once you leave this hospital," yuyan promises, as if offering the painting as incentive would suddenly grant keni the power to speed up her recovery.

"that defeats the whole purpose," keni protests.

yuyan just smiles. above her, the clock's hands turn to a perfect 240 degrees, signifying the end of visiting hours.

"i have to go now. 8 o'clock." yuyan's exit is prompt and quiet. there's no point in lingering -- she would see keni tomorrow anyways.

***

the next day, yuyan shows up with a backpack in hand.

"you brought me a gift!" even when strapped down to a hospital bed, keni is full of life, a hint of laughter laced into her every word.

"your homework." yuyan clarifies. she watches as keni's face drops, lips jutting out into a pout.

"and here i thought you actually loved me! where's the painting?"

"i told you. get better first."

"nurse! am i allowed to get out of bed to smack yuyan?"

amused, the nurse only shakes his head silently in response.

yuyan laughs, "come on, i'll help you with homework."

***

they soon settle into a routine. yuyan comes to visit everyday, carrying with her whatever class notes and homework assigned that day. for the better part of the afternoon, she helps keni read through her meticulously taken notes and patiently clarifies any inconsistencies or confusions found. keni whines throughout the whole thing, but she always manages to complete it all.

everyday, exactly on the dot, yuyan bids goodbye to keni.

"8 o'clock." it's the only thing she says before leaving. yuyan knows the kind of weight the word 'goodbye' has in a place like this.

each time she leaves, yuyan can hear keni yell out behind her. "don't forget the painting!"

***

it's been nearly two weeks now. the doctors had predicted that, at most, keni would be hospitalized for under one. for each additional day past expectations, yuyan's anxiety multiplies exponentially. keni, on the other hand, only worries about the stray cat that lives in the alley behind the hospital. apparently, keni had befriended him during one of her previous hospital visits.

"do you think he's getting enough to eat? do you think he has a safe place to sleep at night?" keni pauses, her eyes starting to sparkle in the way it always did before she cried. she drops her voice to a whisper. "do you think he misses me?"

"worry about yourself first, you fool," yuyan scoffs.

"can you check up on him when you go?"

yuyan agrees, but only because keni's heart rate had started to rise to an alarming level.

when the clock strikes eight that day, keni forgets to ask about the painting.

***

yuyan quickly discovers that she's allergic to cats. it also doesn't help that the cat is literally the spawn of satan. at this point, she's convinced that keni has some sort of disney princess superpower, because she can't seem to get within 4 feet of the cat without it hissing at her.

regardless, yuyan makes it part of her daily routine to leave out half a can of food and water for the cat before she goes inside to see keni.

keni asks her why her eyes are always so red now. "have you been crying over me again?"

"ask your dumb alley cat." yuyan rolls her watery eyes and wishes she could sound more pissed off, but it’s difficult to be intimidating when she can’t help herself from sniffling like a baby.

"his name is baozi!" of course, keni would be the type to name a cat after something so ridiculous.

yuyan is bent over, drowning in laughter when she hears the coughs start up again. those were new -- they had started just this past week. the doctors tell yuyan that they would continue to monitor any side effects and symptoms.

as quickly as they start, though, the coughs subside, and keni's back to her chirpy self. "you always call me a fool but look who's a fool now! if you're gonna keep playing with cats, you should stop forgetting to take your allergy meds!"

yuyan thinks it's ironic how keni is more worried about yuyan's allergies than she is about herself being hospitalized for almost two weeks longer than expected.

keni's farewell to her is a little bit different this time.

"don't forget your meds!" there's a pause, before keni shouts out, even louder. "and the painting!"

***

on the monthsary of her hospitalization, keni asks if the nurse could bring her some ice cream.

"hey, i've seen you everyday for a month so we're practically dating, right? i think we should celebrate," keni proclaims.

the nurse laughs, but dutifully leaves in order to fetch her ice cream. before long, he's back with two frozen yogurt cups in hand. he gives one to keni, who lets out a loud cheer before immediately digging in with her plastic spoon. yuyan gratefully accepts the second, thanking the nurse for the both of them.

keni curls her hands around the front of her cup in an attempt to hide the label. "guess what flavor i got."

"vanilla. we both got the same thing, you fool." keni's too busy stuffing her mouth to reply, so yuyan presses on. "should you really be eating ice cream right now?"

"ice cream helps! see, i haven't coughed at all today." as if on cue, keni keels over as another coughing fit tears violently through her body. "oops, i think i jinxed it."

yuyan wants to laugh it off with keni, but all she can think about is how lately, the fits have steadily become more and more frequent. she throws away her yogurt cup, half finished.

like she does everyday, keni asks yuyan when she'll bring the painting. "how long does it take to complete one painting, anyways?" keni complains.

‘too long’ yuyan thinks, but doesn’t say.

***

the school year ends quietly. surprisingly, despite her long absence, keni had managed to earn passing grades. she brags about it to every nurse that comes by, despite them not even being good grades.

yuyan almost wishes that school hasn't ended, because now that they had no homework, she has to spend nearly all of her visits answering a barrage of questions regarding keni's beloved stray cat. to yuyan's relief (and keni's delight), baozi has started warming up to yuyan. it had taken long enough, but now yuyan could walk up to him and occasionally even pet his head.

she's still convinced he's the devil's spawn, though.

***

"so... no painting?"

"you don't even say hello anymore."

"we're past that! now where's my painting?"

"i brought pictures of baozi," yuyan offers instead.

at this, keni perks up. she hadn't been able to visit baozi in weeks, since animals posed a risk to the sick patients. yuyan knew firsthand how strict the hospital rules regarding animals were -- she had tried smuggling him in just two days ago.

"show me!" keni gleefully demands.

for the next hour, keni does nothing except ooh and aah at the same ten blurry photos of her beloved baozi.

***

their days are spent like this now. keni complains about being bored every chance she gets, hoping that yuyan would update her on life outside the hospital. yuyan tells keni about how her pregnant neighbor's baby bump was finally starting to show. she tells keni that she keeps waking up to dead birds on her windowsill, left there by baozi. she tells her about how it's been so hot lately, not that keni would notice since she got to stay in this air conditioned room all day.

no matter what yuyan tells her, keni always laughs like yuyan is the greatest comedian to have ever been born.

what yuyan doesn't tell keni is how worried she is over the way the coughs have only gotten worse. she doesn't tell her that she's noticed how quickly keni has started to lose weight. she doesn't tell her that she knows exactly why she's been so stubborn about not giving keni the painting. part of yuyan still hopes that she'll be able to keep her promise.

***

on the rare days it rains, keni asks for the windows to be left open.

"i like to smell the rain," she explains.

yuyan thinks of the mess that the rain water will leave, of how eventually she'll probably be the one to clean it all up. it probably isn't safe, with keni's condition declining with each passing day. already, keni is facing breathing problems and yuyan isn't entirely sure that the rain would do anything to help ease that. she opens the windows anyways.

keni sits and watches the rain for a while. it's the quietest yuyan has ever seen her. suddenly, keni speaks up, "did you know that the smell of rain is called petrichor?"

"you mean you didn't know that? fool." by the smile that breaks out on yuyan's face, keni knows that yuyan's only joking. the fact is, yuyan didn't even know rain had a smell until now.

"shut up. i just think that the rain gets a bad rep because nobody takes the time to appreciate the little things it has to offer."

"how profound."

keni crinkles her nose at yuyan in mock anger, but doesn't bicker back, instead turning back to watch the rain outside.

part of yuyan wishes that she could remember keni like this, carefree and wonderstruck, forever. a much larger part of her would rather let this day fade away into one of many other menial rainy days that she hoped to spend with keni.

***

it rains for five days straight, which is quite unfortunate for yuyan, who had recently broken her only umbrella. keni somehow manages to convince the nurse to let yuyan stay past 8:00 pm and wait for the rain to let up.

"don't get too used to it," keni teases. "i know you miss me every time you leave."

yuyan feigns disdain, but not once during those five days does she think of repairing or replacing her broken umbrella.

***

keni's birthday is a small affair, as is necessary in a hospital. again, the nurse brings them frozen yogurt.

keni complains about how yuyan hadn't brought her anything. then there's the phrase that yuyan had grown to dread: "where's my painting?"

yuyan doesn't even bother making excuses. instead, she just slides her yogurt cup towards keni. "here, you can have mine."

when keni beams at her in gratitude, it's as if yuyan has been shot in the chest. though yuyan doesn't want to admit it, she's petrified at the thought that this could be the last birthday she'd ever share with keni.

keni is all skin and bones now, and can barely go a minute without reeling over in a coughing fit. no matter how often yuyan prods the doctors, they cannot tell her when keni's condition will improve. yuyan knows that they're trying their best with whatever equipment is available, but still, she stresses.

after that, the nurse starts to bring them ice cream almost every other day.

***

the one day that yuyan forgets to visit keni, she nearly dies. when yuyan visits keni the next day, she brings a bouquet of flowers.

as per usual, keni doesn't greet her. instead, keni points a finger accusingly at yuyan the second she enters the room. "you forgot your allergy meds again."

in fact, yuyan hadn't and she knows that keni knew her too well to actually believe that the red eyes were a result of allergies. she diverts the subject and holds up the flowers she had brought. "they're an apology gift. for forgetting to visit."

keni blinks at that. "it's okay. i know you have your own life too."

yuyan falls silent. she settles down quietly into the chair beside keni's bed and reaches out to take keni’s hands in her own. she doesn't let go of it once for the next four hours.

when it's time for yuyan to leave, it's keni who says "8 o'clock" instead.

yuyan knows, all too well aware of the fact that their time is limited. she turns towards the windows and stares out into the night. clear skies, which meant no excuse to stay. yuyan reluctantly gets up, lingering at the doorway for a moment.

"good night," she finally says.

yuyan barely sleeps that night herself.

***

yuyan wonders if it's cruel of her to wish for the gods to delay keni's death. it's certainly selfish of her, but she can't help but wish for more stolen time. there isn't a minute that passes by where yuyan doesn't want to say "i'm glad you're still alive. if only for a moment more." for keni's sake (and her own), she doesn't say anything.

the doctors ask yuyan to report any changes to keni's condition she notices. they say that it'll help them better understand keni's illness, which would translate to more effective treatments. yuyan secretly thinks that it'll do nothing but better establish an expiration date on her friend's life.

what did it matter if she had noticed that keni's long hair had started falling out in clumps, when at the heart of it all, keni is still the same brilliant girl she had always been?

keni still sprouts out random trivia facts, unprompted, like did yuyan know that the creator of photoshop had also written the story for star wars rogue one? keni still constantly reminds yuyan to check on baozi, despite yuyan telling her that she had officially adopted the cat weeks ago. keni still smiles in the same way she always does, with her eyes shining like crescent moons and dimples flashing like happiness imprinted on her cheek.

yuyan can't help but notice that keni no longer asks her about the painting.

***

"we don't have much time left together," keni says out of the blue one day.

"it's summer break. i can stay past 8 pm," yuyan warily replies. 

"you know that's not what i meant, yuyan."

yuyan shakes her head, repeating "i can stay past 8 pm, maybe until midnight." if yuyan had been feigning ignorance before, she was straight up ignoring keni now.

when yuyan glances back up at keni, shaky eyes betraying her nonchalant facade, she knows that keni understands. keni knows her too well, and keni is too kind to push further, so she plays along. "don't stay up that late. it'll be too dark by then."

"i'm not the one who's scared of the dark, keni." 

"think about baozi! you're already gone all day, you shouldn't stay any longer."

"baozi?"

"baozi misses you." 

then there's that pout again -- the one yuyan could never resist, the one that keni knew yuyan could never resist.

yuyan hesitates, if only to delay her admission of defeat for a moment longer, before softly uttering, "okay."

by the time the clock strikes 10 pm that night (a compromise between midnight and 8 pm), keni is already half asleep.

"hey keni?" yuyan murmurs.

all yuyan gets is mumbled gibberish in response. yuyan holds back a laugh as she continues. "before i go, you should know-"

keni lets out another garbled groan.

"baozi misses you, too." yuyan whispers.

***

it’s raining when keni passes away.

the doctors declare her dead at 4:47 pm. yuyan had known it three minutes before that when keni's hands had slackened their grip on her own. she asks for a moment of silence alone and waits as the nurses evacuate the room.

early that day, keni had asked yuyan to open the windows for her. the smell of the rain suffocates yuyan now, forcing its way down her nose and poisoning her lungs. yuyan closes the window and locks it shut. she doesn't glance at keni even once.

when yuyan finally gets home, she washes her hand with floral soap and tries to forget the way keni's cold fingers had felt in her hand. no matter how hard she scrubs, she can't get her hands to stop shaking.

***

the funeral is uneventful. befittingly, it starts raining during the sermon. the other guests make a fuss and frantically search for their umbrellas, but yuyan's just grateful for the way the rain disguises the tears rushing down her face.

on the way home, the only thing yuyan can think of is her promise, that stupid painting that keni wouldn't stop pestering her about. she had never been the type to break promises, but now, yuyan isn’t sure if she’ll ever paint again.

***

for the most part, things returned back to normal, because they had to. yuyan still thinks about the painting -- how could she forget? -- but she can't find the time (nor the heart) to fulfill a promise made to someone already gone. not when she had already made so many more promises to people who were still there, waiting for her.

her friends and family, who had been understanding of yuyan putting her life on pause for keni while she was still alive, had made it clear that they expected her to spend more time with them, now that keni was gone. then there's baozi, who, as it turns out, constantly required a large amount of physical affection, despite his initial prickly demeanor. on top of all that, preparations for graduate school occupy most of yuyan's day, and with a little under one month before the fall term starts, she spends most of her waking hours buried under piles of prerequisite readings and summer homework.

truth be told, yuyan is just grateful for any distraction she can find. 

***

as yuyan discovers, it gets easier with time -- pretending, that is. yuyan gets so good at pretending to be fine that when she finally does cry, four whole weeks after keni dies, she barely recognizes the feeling as sadness.

one moment, she's reading through that night's homework, baozi curled up in her arms; the next, she's all choked up, the letters on the page blurring as tears flood her vision.

"it's just allergies," yuyan mumbles to herself, the excuse falling from her tongue easily.

except, yuyan knows she had already taken her meds that morning. in fact, there hasn't been a single day that she's forgotten to since keni had reprimanded her about it.

baozi nuzzles her face, as if to say "i'm here, i'm here, i'm here", but all yuyan can think is "she's not". just like that, a month's worth of denial crashes down around her, and the weight of her sadness nearly keels yuyan over. yuyan sobs, so hard she feels herself grow lightheaded, so hard she's practically breathing in tears in absence of air, so hard baozi nearly jumps off the couch in alarm. 

"it's okay, it's okay." yuyan coaxes baozi back into her arms, clinging to him as if he were the only lifeline in an ocean of tears.

baozi purrs, and yuyan feels a second wave of tears threatening to spill from her eyes. she doesn't say anything, takes comfort in the quietness of her shaky breathing intermingled with baozi's rumbling.

her throat is so painfully dry, the next few words struggle to come out.

"nothing is okay," yuyan whispers, but there's a sense of relief that comes with the truth. keni was gone, and nothing was okay, but, at the very least, yuyan could admit it now.

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**Author's Note:**

> \- title is a line taken from 'promise'  
> \- i purposefully wrote this so their relationship could be read in whatever way you want. the important thing is they both love each other.  
> \- at first keni wasn't supposed to die but then all my twt mutuals kept telling me to kill her off so. there you have it.  
> \- some things i had in mind while writing this: the rain, the way keni doesn't stop smiling even when faced with the worst kinds of certainties because she just wants yuyan to be happy (even if temporarily), the way yuyan pretends not to care but never gives up on her regardless, yuyan's love of art, keni's absolutely hilarious cat names  
> \- i know the ending is abrupt lmao but i'm lazy and also too sad to write about yuyan working through her grief  
> \- finally, thanks to tina [@xkyins](https://twitter.com/xkyins), san, and aly [@mochihui](https://twitter.com/aerojuns) for inspiring me and also listening to me complain throughout the whole process of me writing this! i love you all <3
> 
> EDIT (02/24/2021): i've returned to this fic after some time. this story is too important to me for me to be okay with ending it the way it did. updates will be slow bc i don't want to make the same mistake i did last time by rushing the process.
> 
> leave a comment or smthing. u can also find me on [twt](https://twitter.com/gravityrtle) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/gravityrtle) under the same user!


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